This article is a response to an Elite Daily article: “Why women choose Assh*les over Nice Guys”
Not many of us understand the needs of the opposite sex. It’s one thing being told that men are from Mars and women Venus, but what does this actually mean when it comes to selecting a partner and holding on to them?
As a former ‘Nice guy’ who has put in a lot of exhaustive research and put this research into practice, I feel like I have gained some understanding here, so if you are a guy (or woman) who is struggling to understand why an assh*le is infinitely more attractive than a nice guy, read on and all should become clear.
The Nice guy way: Nice guys are always wondering why women go for the bad boys. I mean, surely a woman wants a guy who will show her she is number one? She must want a guy who will put her on a pedestal, show her daily how much he Loves her, and keeps her constantly in the communication loop?
Why would she not Love a guy who constantly goes above and beyond for her, who puts her needs first and his second? Why wouldn’t she want to spend her life with a guy who respects her and treats her like a lady?
A nice guy in a relationship usually ends up being Beta to his woman’s Alpha; he is apologetic and can be passive aggressive. He is not direct with his speech or eye contact and often won’t speak up, for fear of losing her. This leads to resentment and being a general needy wet blanket, who has forgotten where he put his true personality.
The Assh*le way: Assh*les, or Bad boys are cocky. They exude self confidence, they are proficient in banter, they keep girls hanging and wondering if the guy actually likes them. They are charismatic, mysterious and they know how to say and do the right things to spark sexual tension.
They are often busy – they have a purpose in life beyond the woman they are with and won’t always empty their schedule to fit in with, or see their girl at every opportunity. They are not too accessible. This is a turn on for women; it leaves them wondering what he is doing.
What isn’t a turn on, is when they turn into a total Douchebag. They act like a player, treating a woman with disrespect, like she is just there to be used for his gratification and nothing else. She is expendable, a commodity in plentiful supply, to a guy who would rather have notches on his bedpost than Quality interactions with both her body and mind.
So there’s both types of guy. We are always lead to believe that we have to be one or the other. Any post on social media, such as the original one that sparked this post, will have an infinite amount of replies in the comments by guys who are nice, treat women nicely and are sick of being put in the Friendzone.
They are constantly annoyed by losing girls they dote on to Bad boys, who end up using the girl, then disposing of her, leaving her in a mess. The nice guys can only hope to be there to catch her and come to her rescue in her darkest hour. Touching, but very misguided.
So here’s what these nice guys can do; they can transform themselves into Good guys.
It’s OK to be a sensitive guy. It’s ok to embrace both the masculine and feminine within and embrace your own vulnerability. Being a Gentleman – having manners, opening doors and walking on the outside of the pavement are all good qualities.
What’s not OK, is to be needy, to make a girl feel smothered, to feel the need to be everything to a woman and to push interactions in this direction. When you attempt to make a woman feel that she is your world, you completely remove any and all mystery and challenge from the relationship.
What’s more, putting a woman in a place where she is everything denies guys of their true calling in life; to have a true and unique purpose that ignites a fire inside them each and every day. A purpose that makes them wake every morning excited to be the best they can be in their chosen field, and to be an asset not only to themselves, but everyone around them too.
Let us then define the Good guy (the guy every woman actually wants):
The good guy is a leader; he is direct and unabashed and will make decisions on his own, but has his ego in check – he knows that he can sink into the background and allow others to lead occasionally.
He picks the restaurant or hotel and books it in advance, without feeling like he needs to ask “What do you want?” He is confident and charismatic. He has a purpose in life and is passionate about it.
He has integrity and good morals and exercises tact. He respects women and acts like a gentleman, with good manners , but also will not tolerate or respond to being disrespected.
He has a backbone and has no time for needless drama. He knows his girl will constantly test him to see if he is confident in his own skin, or just another needy nice guy and he is excited about these challenges. He enjoys being teased and finds being the butt of her jokes fun; it gives him material to tease her with later.
A good guy knows that being constantly available makes it too easy for her and lowers his value as a result; scarcity makes him more attractive. He knows how to engage in flirtatious banter; to constantly tease her in a playful manner, without ever being hurtful.
He is busy and focused on having a well rounded life, which in turn makes his girl crave more contact. She is intrigued as to what he is doing and why he hasn’t texted back for a couple of hours .
Sometimes he will reply straight away, sometimes it may take five hours, but this keeps an air of anticipation and surprise, sparks sexual tension and gives her butterflies. He doesn’t play games, but keeps his life full and busy.
He will text her to say Good morning and Goodnight, but he won’t be texting her every five minutes, or wondering why she hasn’t responded to his last text; he appreciates that she is busy too and values the quality time that they can find to spend together.
A good guy doesn’t need to surround himself with plastic people, or a large quantity of women to make him feel secure; he is very secure in his own company and doesn’t need anyone to bolster his fragile ego, or make him feel whole.
He enjoys time alone to engage in pursuits and knows this is necessary for growth. When it comes to women, he is happy with the pursuit of quality over quantity. He is comfortable in his own skin and comfortable with not having a large amount of sexual partners; he values intimacy and doesn’t believe in squandering it.
When it comes to bedroom time, he puts his girl first. He knows that sexual gratification comes easily for him and always focuses on her pleasure. He knows that when it comes to sex, good guys finish last.
Read books, do internet research and stick with us here at The Authentic Guy. Explore the Pick up artist (PUA)community to give you tips on how to behave, but be careful to turn on your personal integrity filters to filter out the misogynist player behaviour which is prevalent in PUA (and would result in you becoming an Assh*le).
As you learn, you need to put your research into practice and you will have to ‘Fake it ’til you make it’; it’s only by putting what you have learned into practice that it will become ingrained in your psyche.
Be committed to a life of learning and self improvement; when you’ve won the girl, the learning shouldn’t stop. You shouldn’t revert back to Nice Guy mode, or you will lose her.
Relationships, like life are hard work. Hard work results in lifelong growth and is the only way to live a happy, fulfilled and connected life. View life in this way and she will fall in Love with you and stick around.