I’m sure you’ve been exasperated by a woman at some point in your life. Maybe you’ve become resigned to the fact that you don’t understand women. Nowhere is this more obvious, than when you try to turn a first date prospect into your girlfriend. Here I’ll show you how to Build Attraction using Scarcity and make the seemingly impossible possible.
If you’re like most guys, you don’t feel like you have what it takes. That is to turn an attraction into a date or relationship. If it’s a girl you really like, then it’s pretty hard to do, especially if you follow your intuition. Even if you do have what it takes to start with, it may fail within weeks or months. The woman may lose interest in you and finish it. But there is another way – YOU CAN build attraction using scarcity.
This is what happens:
You meet a girl when you are out, or even online. There’s a mutual attraction and you start talking. You’re really keen on her and you just can’t get her out of your mind. It all starts off well enough, but after a period of time, the spark between you seems to die. Before you know it, she’s not as enthusiastic as she once was. Maybe she’s gone a little quiet, or maybe she’s not returning your texts at all.
So what do you do when this happens?
You text her more, of course. All of your days are spent thinking of clever things to say. You send her funny Memes off the internet and try to ask intelligent questions. Before you know it, you’ve sent her 3 or 4 texts in a row, with no reply.
She’s a polite girl, so she may reply, but her tone isn’t the same. You don’t let this stop you though; a reply is a reply, after all… So you become MORE attentive. Slowly but surely, even these ‘pity’ replies dry up. You are now left completely unable to understand what happened.
You may even get angry when this happens, and send a message with a shitty tone. Your reasoning is that you have already ‘lost her, so you may as well tell her what you think. You are now coming across as super needy. It hammers the final nail into the coffin of what might have been with you and her.
Maybe you managed to just walk away and forget about her. You didn’t get shitty or send too many messages. You no doubt found, if this was the case, that she started messaging you back again. If you got keen again, it died off. AGAIN. Sometimes, this cycle will repeat, over and over again, until you are well and truly sick of chasing her. Your heart now feels like it is doing a cold cycle in the washing machine.
So what are you doing wrong?
You were too available. There was no mystery and you didn’t build attraction using scarcity. You’ll need to read my blog post about Texting and being too available here: Texting: The unwritten rules of how not to dig yourself into a dating hole.
What do you do next?
You showed her you were interested, maybe complimented her a lot, but you still didn’t win her heart. You’re probably sick and tired of being a nice guy and never ending up with the girl. Maybe you moan to your friends about how girls always go for guys that treat them badly. Why is this, when there are guys like you out there? If you ask a lot of guys, they will likely agree with you.
How you behaved was by using logic. She was interested in you, so you showed her, in no uncertain terms, that you were interested in her. This is the opposite of what you should be doing when it comes to dating. You need to go against logic. Behave in a counter-intuitive way and build attraction using scarcity.
Throwing logic out of the window – Introducing the principle of scarcity:
Why did she become keen again when you gave up on her and walked away? Was she just messing with your head, emotionally unstable, or a ‘Bag of crazy‘? No, I don’t think she was any of those. I can say with conviction, that she was 100% normal, without even knowing the girl. How can I say this with such conviction? Allow me to introduce the principle of SCARCITY.
The Scarcity Principle:
The Scarcity Principle was coined by Robert Cialdini, one of the foremost experts on influence (Cialdini 2009). He found that people value and desire something more when it is rare or difficult to obtain. Across numerous experiments, Cialdini and others have found that making something rare or scarce (“Closing Down, Last Day”), or even unique, (“Last One”), increases its perceived attractiveness and value. It works on the principle of Reactance. None of us likes to be told we can’t do something or be denied what we want. When we’re denied something, we “React” by trying harder to get what has been denied us. This is reverse psychology, but it has been the subject of a lot of research. The research shows that, when it comes to dating at least, Scarcity is VERY POWERFUL.
The reason “All the girls get prettier at closing time“ (Johnco, Wheeler and Taylor, 2010) is not due to the higher concentration of alcohol in the bloodstream of those searching for a partner for the night at closing time, but due to the fact that, as the bars near closing, the time left to find a partner for the night diminishes and the people who are left to choose from are reduced too. The leftover people will then APPEAR much more attractive than they are, as a result of scarcity.
So what does this mean in terms of dating?
Don’t make yourself 100% available. Replying to her text messages immediately every time she sends one, is actually sending her the wrong message. This makes her attraction towards you diminish, turning her off in the process.
Allow me to explain what’s happening:
The way she’s behaving is human nature, and, I’m willing to bet that you have behaved in the same way at some point in your life. Can you think back to a time when a girl was really interested? Maybe she was your type, but there was something about her that you didn’t feel was valuable or attractive enough, to take things further.
I’m willing to hazard a guess that it was her behaviour which put you off. You see, being really, really keen on someone right from the outset, puts them in a position where they feel very important. When they feel like you are making them too important (especially as you’ve only just met), then this lowers your value in their eyes.
She will start to wonder what she has done to earn all this adulation. You haven’t got to know her properly yet. You sending overblown compliments, buying gifts and being too invested in her, will act as a red flag. It will also act as a wet flag, damping down the flames of their attraction towards you. This will be like smothering a fire with a blanket.
So what happens when you pull away from a girl who seems uninterested?
When you make the decision to pull away from her and get on with your own life, this sends her a powerful signal. What this says about you, is that you value your time highly. It tells her you don’t want to have your time wasted. It tells her that you have things to do. It communicates that you have a high value. Unbeknown to you, you have just sent a powerful message of confidence to her. This then makes her wonder where you’ve gone and attraction begins to rebuild in her.
If you don’t have a purpose in life, except for getting a girlfriend, and you’re always too available, then she will sense that you are a weak, low-value individual. This will make you unattractive to her and will make her look elsewhere for a stronger, more alpha male. It’s a subconscious thing – she knows an alpha male would produce stronger offspring.
Case in point:
My girlfriend and I were sitting talking to her friend a few months ago. She had been messaging with a guy at a work client’s office. I’ve changed his name, but let’s call him Rob. She said he was “Her type”, but there was something that just didn’t feel right. Rob was attractive, outwardly confident and interesting, but he was VERY KEEN. He was her type.
She found the keenness off-putting, so she would ignore his messages and not reply straight away. When she did reply, he would reply again within 2 minutes. She would even wait a day or two to reply, but he’d still reply immediately. Every. Time. At this point in our conversation, she was completely discounting him as a romantic interest. She actually appeared a little creeped out, just sitting talking about him.
The next time I saw her was 2 weeks later. I enquired how it was going; what do you think she said? “Rob has stopped returning my texts now. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly really interested in him”. I had already done some research into scarcity at this point, so when she said this, I was amused. Her words showed that the scarcity principle works in practice. It showed what a powerful effect scarcity has upon how attractive we perceive someone. (Side note: She ended up getting together with Rob, after he learned to build attraction using scarcity).
So how does Scarcity work in practice with dating?
Re-programming your mind into using reverse psychology or counter-intuition will take a while. But it is necessary that you do this. If you change from being too available to be more scarce, it will produce results. This is backed up by science and real-life experiments. Often it produces completely amazing results in re-attracting a girl, in a very small timeframe.
If you find that you’ve consistently been devalued by girls in relationships, you will need to make yourself harder to obtain. Make yourself scarce at times! Too busy to reply? Then don’t reply for a while. Don’t always be the one to get in contact first and don’t always message back immediately. If you’re constantly waiting by the phone for her message, stop – don’t hand her all the power. Before you message back, wait 20 minutes, 1 hour, or a couple of hours. Build attraction using scarcity.
“But I don’t want to play games!”
You may say: “But I don’t want to be a game player”, but let me tell you this:
Women want to FEEL attracted to someone. They subconsciously want to be kept guessing. They don’t want to be 100% certain that they have won your heart, at least not in the beginning. Their attraction towards you will diminish if they are certain. This is a fact proven by psychologists. You will make her feel deeply attracted to you, if you build attraction using scarcity. You won’t have to do a load of work to get her attracted, which is the best part.
Tips to build attraction using scarcity:
You’ll need to carry out this in a subtle way. Don’t fall off the face of the earth for whole days at a time. This isn’t respectful and isn’t treating a girl well. You should return a message or call within a 6-hour window. Anything more than this is completely unnecessary. Don’t willfully play with her emotions, or be cruel with your new-found information. Just allow yourself to become aware of how your behaviour impacts on her attraction towards you.
Don’t send boring or pointless texts:
You’ll need to follow the advice in our texting guide as well. Pay special attention to the part where it says “Only actually text when you have something interesting to say”. If you try to use texts to make pointless small talk, she’ll think you are bored . In her mind, bored = boring/unimportant.
Are you always thinking of something cool to text her? If you build attraction using scarcity, you’ll need a lot less material! You’ll get a lot of precious time back in your days too – winner!
Concentrate on your purpose, not her:
Do you want to know the easiest way to not be waiting by the phone? It is to get out there and find a purpose.Read our blog post about finding your purpose here. Immerse yourself into a project and feel fulfilled. You won’t be waiting by the phone for her to message, as you’ll be busy and time will fly by. She will also have time to miss you and wonder what you’re up to, which will spike attraction. Build attraction using scarcity – It’s a win-win.
Loading ...
57 comments
After I pull away, she sense it and asks me why am I ignoring her. I mean she senses it and its pretty quick. So, what next… keep it that way, for how long?
I would need to know more details: are you trying to re-attract her, or just getting into a relationship? The fact that she notices you are pulling away is a strong indicator that she’s very attached to you already, so maybe you need to be more subtle with the scarcity – if you want to share the full details and are more comfortable doing so privately, you can email me direct: mail@theauthenticguy.com
The girl im sorta seeing rects to this straight away…its hard to do sometimes but needs to be done….if I over text her or seem needy i sense here drifting….usually all it takes is what we are talking about here…sad but true people are wired this way…but it is what it is
Never ignore a woman unless she’s disrespecting u in public, if u ignore them, they move on.
Thanks for your comment.
The article doesn’t tell you to ignore anyone; it’s advising you to build attraction by using high quality interactions and combining this with not being constantly available and thus appearing needy. There is a fine line, but I have many happy coaching clients, so if you need further implementation advice, send me an email.
Mark
So I’ve known a guy for 4 months at the beginning contact initiated by him was frequent, but now it’s dwindled. I pretty much hear from him once a week or every 2 weeks (this time it’s been 11 days). When he does eventually text me, should I make myself scarce and not answer?
Hi Kae,
Yes you should be more scarce. It’s sometimes hard to admit defeat, but if he’s leaving it this long, he doesn’t sound very respectful, or he has moved on and isn’t brave enough to tell you.
Definitely don’t be available next time he calls or texts though – you need to show that you won’t put up with this behaviour. At the moment he’s treating you like an option and maybe you need to remove yourself as an option.
Great advice! Thank you. There’s definitely a lack of respect at times from him so I will take what you said and apply it to my situation!
“When they feel like you are making them too important, then this lowers your value in their eyes.” This is literally what my wife of over 28 years told me. She said she couldn’t support the pressure of being the #1 thing in my life. She said she needed to be a nice addition to my life, but not the sole goal in my every-day life.
Thank you for this article. It’s information I needed to hear and employ despite so many years of marriage.
Hey Glenn,
I’m really glad it helped you. It’s kind of strange how we are never taught this stuff when we are young, but even in long relationships, we need autonomy and some scarcity for attraction (and desire) to thrive. I’m putting together a free eBook called The Attraction Blueprint, which will be available on the website in January. It covers how to be attractive at the start of a relationship, but also has a large section on long relationships and how we are taught by Hollywood movies and society that to be in love, means to lose our independence and forego our friends, hobbies and life purpose. When you begin to put a little healthy distance back in your relationships and your partner feels like they don’t know every little detail about your life, attraction and desire can flourish once again, like in the early stages of a relationship. If you’d like a preview, or any specific help/advice, then drop me a line – mail@theauthenticguy.com – Mark.
So five days went by without any calls or texts from her. Then she finally sends me a Happy New Years text. I ask her when are you free to get together? She comes over and is being playful and touching me and asking me to feel her butt. Then 2 days go by and dont hear from her. Then she calls and we talk for 5 minutes. Ask her if she is free to come over on weekend? She responds should be. Then on weekend saturday ask her if she is coming over by text and she calls me and starts saying that maybe tomorrow would be better as she worked. So now what? Make myself scarce again?
Hey Freddy,
If it’s always you that has to instigate a meetup, then you need to act a little disinterested for a while to see if her interest (and level of investment) increases. If it’s early days between you both and you haven’t agreed to be exclusive, then her behaviour is normal to some extent. Also, if you are giving out the signs that you’re too keen, then this may be making her pull back, as your keenness (and being too available) is diminishing her attraction towards you.
The way you should be behaving is fun and playful, but not too attached or smitten with her (especially in the beginning). Most guys feel like they have to make a girl like them, so they give too many compliments, buy overblown gifts and brag to make themselves look better – this is the opposite of what you should be doing and it is typical beta male behaviour. Check out my blog post on Assholes vs Nice guys to learn what a beta male is and AVOID this behaviour at all costs, not just now, but from now on (even in long relationships). Being more scarce will make her FEEL more attraction towards you –
you don’t NEED her to like you unless you want to end up in the friendzone. Please feel free to email me directly at mail@theauthenticguy.com with more info and I’ll happily give you more personalised advice.
Mark
Hey, first let me say, ur cool af for doing this.🙂
Anywho, I just started talking to this guy, I knew in high school. We were friends for about a good year until he left the school. We had a mutual friendship. Only friends, no flirting, all jokes and laughter every time we met up. I looked at him as a friend only and i felt it was mutual, plus I was in a relationship as well… soo skipping along to now, I say 5/ 6 years later. We got in contact through social media, I reached out first, I wanted to see how he was doing, since we hadn’t talked in forever.
Soo here’s where my question comes from..
I notice he has a gf.
Long story short. We chat, we link up, we catch up on each other annnd woaah I tell you our chemistry clicks instantly…We both seemed very attracted to each other as well.. So I asked him about his gf…and he blows her off as if they aren’t doing good, blah blah) I’m thinking to myself he may be a player, because he has this smooth demeanor, and I’m fishing to know what his intentions will be only because he flirted with me and didn’t claim his gf as if they were strongly together. He defined their relationship as a situationship.
Any who, I’ve been playing it cool, because I don’t want to look like a fool or get played, nor be a side chick.
I want to see where it goes, but I want to know if it’s a good idea to continue talking to him if he is still seeing his gf. I’ve created lots of scarcity between us, lots of sexual tension as well🙊 oops I know. At the same time we’re both agreeing to be upfront with each other, and not to play any games. Which is fine, but this is another reason I need your opinion because I feel confused because I don’t know if I should continue to talk to him. Should I continue to see him and be open and real with him, or should I keep playing hard to get u to see if he may consider us being in a relationship. While he has a so called situationship, i still want to be his friend. But I know their certain boundaries dealing with that. So do I continue seeing him or do I give him a ultimatum, (me or her?) Or be a neutral friend and tell him what it is?
It’s a tough situation. You did approach him first – maybe he is experiencing some relationship issues and is tempted to get involved with you, but if he did get involved with you, would you A. Be comfortable as a side chick, or fling? and B. If he had an affair with you then left her for you, could you ever trust he wouldn’t do the same to you? I’m just playing devil’s advocate… If he truly is unhappy in his relationship, then he needs to be confident enough to end this first, before getting involved with you or anyone else.
Great article with some very interesting thoughts. I am curious though, is there a point where scarcity could be more harmful than building? For example, if both parties are acting by the scarcity principle, is this a no win situation? You still must get to know one another, and it could be that the relationship does not progress.
Great Comment Derrick – Thank you. The difficulty with scarcity and attraction, is that each person and relationship is different. The information on these blog posts is meant to inform people of elements that can affect relationships and hi-light things that could help. I do agree that, if some wider knowledge or intuition isn’t there, then the use of scarcity could cause a stalemate type situation. I’m just putting finishing touches to a free eBook – The Attraction Blueprint – which will help with a wider understanding and background information about dating and relationships. I do also offer one to one coaching, which has helped many guys to transform not only their relationships, but also the way they relate to relationships and partners in the process.
Known guy from work for 6 mos. We’ve been friends talking lunches mild flirting etc. Recently we started soft sex talk & realized the huge mutual attraction. We’ve been seeing each other at night and have progressed to making out but not full blow sex. I am hooked says he is smitten. We fit perfectly like a glove.
He dropped bomb he’s been married for 30 years – unhappily and looking for a warm relationship with a woman. Him & wife have separate rooms.
Find it hard to detach. I am obsessed. Last time after we were out he sends text saying he’s afraid of us being found out that he’s scared. But still alludes to us hanging out. Not sure what to think.
Is this a signal he will ghost me soon? Its sort of a mixed message. He’s chicken but still wants me as the side girl
Feel very very attached to him. Help!
Hi Rosella,
It’s really hard to walk away from a strong connection, but I feel that he hasn’t respected your boundaries, or been truthful with you. You only have his word about the unhappy part and separate rooms. If he has respect for you and for himself, he will leave his wife, not just for you, but for his own sake. If it were me, I would insist that he leaves her if he wants to carry things on with you. If he doesn’t, or can’t, I think you need to do yourself a big favour and sever all lines of contact/delete him from your phone, etc. It will be painful, but nowhere near as painful as it will be if you allow yourself to be kept in this situation perpetually..
Hey, how would you deal with someone that you see almost everyday. She is in the same class in college and we have the same social circle.
Hi AJ,
Thanks for the question. I would need to know more details about your situation and anything that has happened in order to advise you. You can either post here, or if you feel more comfortable, email me – mail@theauthenticguy.com
Mark
Hi mate. Been seeing a great girl (we are both over 40) We have sex say I love you to each other..Dunno if she really gets off on the scarce thing. Can u give me some advice….shes still hurting over a failed relationship.. I am usually ready available, but have done the scarce thing a couple of times just to try it out and it works..she texts and askes why i never got back to her etc. I want us to be more than friends with benefits..any advice?
Hey Tom,
Escalating from friends with benefits to a long term relationship is something I have a lot of experience with.
I’m happy to give advice over email – I can try and point you in the right direction with some tailored advice over a couple of emails, or sign you up to one of my coaching plans for longer term bespoke advice and lots of extra dating/relationship tips and guidance. Drop me an email – mail@theauthenticguy.com
All the best
Mark
Hello, how do you use this principal if the person you are dating posts on Instagram., pictures and stories. Weve been dating about 2 months now and see each other every week or 2 weeks. We probably talk or interact somehow (online through Instagram) every day or so. For example, she’ll watch my story or shell like my post or comment and I would do the same to her if she posts. She only seems to private message me when replying to my story. But she never really would text out of the blue just to say hello. Yet I have a few times. She mentioned before and said she was the traditionalist type and expects a guy to approach her.
So should I back off from social media to make myself more scarce. It just seems weird not watching her stories or liking her pics on Instagram. I might add that we always use Instagram DM to contact each other. I have her number she has mine but we always just use Instagram. I feel its the same as any messaging service.
Advice please.
Hey Ello,
I guess Instagram is as good as any other messaging service – with my current girl we messaged for 3 months through Facebook in the beginning. It’s really up to you if you want to take it to messaging more often – try starting with a good morning beautiful text every morning and something like Sleep well?
Use questions that she needs to respond to, rather than statements. You could combine this with less social media use – if she wants to stay in touch, she’ll have to reply on message. If she questions it, you could always say you’re taking a social media hiatus to try and focus on other things better.
Regards
Mark
Hi, very interesting, I hv a situation where I met a very beautiful woman who’s a top model and became friends, went out with her.. had great conversations and a bit of flirting too.. we have been texting and talking on phone every week but for some reason haven’t met for few months and whenever I tried to set up an outing she was out of town, busy with something at home or friends and though we were in touch every week but I felt bad for not meeting her and in the last conversation just told her that you seem to be very busy as we have not met for a long time but she said.. she was out of town and have not met anybody for a long time and things like that but I was upset so now for the first time I have not contacted her for a month and I’m sure she’s missing me but I’m not sure what is the right thing to do as I have already done the scarcity thing.. so now i message/ call or just walk away until she calls.. pls advise
Hi Windsor,
Walking away for a month might be overdoing the scarcity – especially in this situation. I’d have to know more details, but if you still want to pursue her (that’s if she hasn’t moved on by now) then maybe try getting in touch again and scheduling a meet up as soon as possible. If she has not contacted you in a month, I have to say it doesn’t look too hopeful that she’s really into you.
Regards
Mark
Dating a man from work. He is hot and cold, giving me attention for 1 or 2 days, then going off. He waits at the bus stop sometimes, flirts and then not talk to me until after the weekend is over.
I have gone scarce by not speaking for a few days, then he will suddenly text non-stop appearing anxious.
He also tries to make me jealous by walking out the office door with another woman. He looks at me pointedly and grins. I think it’s staged. I feel very jealous but don’t let on. I am afraid he may be a player and seeing other females in our office. It’s all unpredictable and tiring.
Should I dump him or try to have a talk with the guy?
Sounds like a player to me, or that he has a girlfriend/wife and wants you as a side chick.
Before you dump him, try talking to him in a non-needy way. Just ask something like “What is this?” Tell him you like him, but want to know where you stand. Don’t allow him to play mind games; either he’s into you, or he isn’t.
Hello from Asia!
I would really like to know your thoughts about this article: https://thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2017/05/this-is-why-she-gets-upset-when-it-takes-you-forever-to-text-back/
Would you say that the scarcity method is risky cause it may make women upset or minority of the women will get upset by the scarcity method?
Thanks a lot!
Hi Matt,
Great question and thought provoking article.
When I advocate Scarcity, on the blog, in my ebooks and to private coaching clients, it’s always on the basis of not being too available, but also not dropping off the planet.
This girl has obviously been on the receiving end of some discourteous behaviour; let’s face it, anyone would be pissed if someone prioritised social media posting over replying to messages.
This is what I say in the blog post; people may feel addicted to you with Scarcity and feel attracted to you, but if you abuse them, they won’t actually feel respected or like you.
Anyone reading this who thinks they need to disappear off the planet to be scarce and attract someone, is getting the wrong idea.
If you’re confused about applying Scarcity, you can email me at mail@theauthenticguy.com and I’ll help to guide you. I also do private coaching packages starting from $100 for 4 weeks one on one personal coaching.
Best
Mark
I want to start by saying you are awesome and give awesome advice. So I met this girl who is my age (22) and we are neighbors. We initially met through our parents so i could give her college related advice (we both are into art). After the first meet up at her parents house she gave me her number and texted me constantly for almost 2 weeks. During this time I was going over to her place since she wanted a drawing buddy and she cooked for me one of these days when her parents were gone and ive spent many hours alone with her multiple times and within a month she invited me over at least 10 times based off of our work schedules.
I felt like I was noticing interest from her slowly.Constant eye contact, constant smiling, laughing at my jokes (and not so good ones). The text conversations even started to get sexual. But near the end of last month she’s been hot and cold. It felt like her interest was lowering. And i noticed it would spike when I would go to her place and everything seemed fine for about 2 days then her interest would dip again. Now currently she’ll still text me everyday but it ranges from an instant response to a few hours. She told me recently that she likes older men( not sure if exclusively older also she means like guys in there 50’s) but im confused because she said some pretty flirtatious things toward me then she claimed she had no intentions of saying anything sexual but would bring up porn etc.Idk if thats my fault and she just said that because I made an indirect comment that may of made her feel like I called her out (The dynamic b/w us did change a bit after this) Im trying to paraphrase a bit but based off of everything it seemed 90% obvious that she was into me.
Even most recently she said its fun watching me and I sent a flirty response and she went along with it. We just met in june and we are definitely not friends so im confused as to why she still wants to text me everyday and invited me over just to draw. Im pretty sure at this point she knows im interested in her but i have toned down on the flirty texts. I wanted to see what I would have to do to get her to stop responding but it didnt seem to matter she continues to respond to me which seems really odd as well. I also find it odd that she wanted me to keep coming over for these drawing sessions I never made a move in person just through text I suppose. I did tell her Iv’e gotten some odd vibes from her and she said when I get to know her better I won’t be so confused etc. I did mention to her I felt like she’s playing hard to get and she ignored that part of the message. She claims she very blunt and honest but i’m not seeing that at all.
I also invited her out for sushi and she agreed but we havent seen each other in maybe 12 days or so. She has been working just like me but she hasnt mentioned her schedule recently so idk what to really think. I definitely felt an attraction. Idk I ended up texting her too much, if so Im thinking of halting my responses and not sending anymore than a few texts within a whole week and see if she’ll give an actual time to meet up. This is a weird situation and I need your help haha but seriously. Apologies for the length of this.
Thanks for the comment. From the sound of it, she has been giving you all the signs, but you still haven’t made a move, except on text message.
It’s very likely she is hot and cold now because your actions in person are incongruent with your messages and she’s wondering why you wouldn’t make a move. You may have even missed the window for good and now she’s friendzoned you.
If you want to email me with some more details, I can give you some tips on making a move; men are expected to make a move and if you’re obviously attracted but fail to make a move, it will put most women off.
My email is mail@theauthenticguy.com
Great article I really enjoyed it
First off, I’d like to say excellent article. Holds so much truth.
Anyways, I went on a date with a girl I met online last weekend. We really hit it off and that Sunday night she invited me out for drinks with her friend. Once again, great chemistry between us and when I left she wanted to know when she could see me again. Fast forward 4 days of texting and she has gone pretty quiet. We exchange 3-5 texts a day. Any advice? It’s so aggravating because after playing the field for several years she’s finally the girl I’m really interested in!
Hi Tom,
Thanks for your comment. In order to be able to unpick what went wrong I’d have to see the actual text message log; if you need help with this, drop me an email – mail@theauthenticguy.com
Thanks
Mark
Great article. I’ve admittedley been chasing a girl for 2 months now. We knew each other thru a sports team for 2 years before she came on hard to me one night 3 months ago. I didnt act on it that night because i was in a relationship but man …I was hooked on her after that. Since then I’m always the iniating the text contacts usually once maybe twice a week. No more than that. She always responds fairly quickly and banter is Ok. So 11 days ago I finally asked her to invite me to her place to hang out with a bottle of wine. After some text exchange she replied “I am going out tonight” and rejected me. I texted with her briefly the next day. But then started the no contact thereafter. 11 days is the count so far. Gut tells me she has low interest now. Should I keep up the no contact ?? Or try some fun reatraction texts and ask her out for drinks if positive feedback is received ??
Hey Brad,
It does sound as though her interest has waned.
A couple of things spring to mind though:
Inviting yourself to her place? This kind of puts pressure on her to think you’ll want things to turn sexual straight away… maybe try asking her out on a fun date instead and rather than pinning down one particular day (when she may have legitimate plans), maybe say “When are you free this week”. Try to do a weekday date first, as if it looks like you’re busy on the weekends it raises your value.
Feel free to email me directly for more advice.
Mark – mail@theauthenticguy.com
I met this long term school mate,made my intentions clear,she said she had feelings for me too,at some point she told me that we aren’t dating and she was not interested in a relationship. I have stood by her calls,texts and visit her.oF late I have noticed lack of interest and even when we meet no even kissing takes place,I don’t know but I suspect she is seeing somebody else,what should I do?
Hey Tim,
You definitely need to be less forthcoming if she’s sending mixed signals, but you also have to be prepared to vote with your feet and stop her using you as an option.
It might be worth trying to speak with her again about where she sees this going, but not in any kind of needy way. It’s probably worth keeping your options open and openly letting her know you’re seeing other people; it’s surprising how we always want what we can’t have!
Regards
Mark
My situation is not easy at all, basically was introduced to a chick which i came to visit, i ended up staying here and been here since, we hit it off from day one, before i came up we spoke for hours on the phone, and the day i came up we had good s*x been a few weeks now, we was talking about future plans and we was close however these past few days she has been “hot and cold” yes i did something wrong, one day was a lot of stress and i ended up packing and saying i was leaving, she has kids etc, however just before that she told me she likes me, after that she told me it doesnt matter if she does as she has to protect the kids etc and the only way is to not allow it to get any further in her head, however when i go to leave i get sucked back in as she gets upset that i am leaving… i just do not know what to do! please help!
Hey Rich,
Please send me an email – mail@theauthenticguy.com – and I’ll give you some tailored advice. It sounds like she’s invested in this but you scared her; she has more to lose than you, as she doesn’t want to let her kids down, or lose face with them.
My situation is not an easy one,I met her ,and approached her ,we have spent time together and on several occasions had sex,but to my surprise she tells me she loves me,likes me but she is not ready for a relationship.I foot her bills including house rent now that she doesn’t have a job,I have decided to go under no contact but she keeps calling,I told her we need space to figure out what we want but she tells me she doesn’t need space,I am the one who needs space,I told her I want a relationship but she wants friendship.. What should I do??
I replied to your emails too, but the short version here is you don’t tell her you need space, you just create more space for yourself, by replying and interacting with her when it is convenient for you; mirror her actions with yours, but definitely don’t be too quick to always reply. Distance shouldn’t be falling off the map for days at a time, be subtle with it but you must give her a little time to miss you!
I was dating a girl for about a month until recently. We got together through a mutual friend who has been wanting to hook us up for a few years now, but the timing never worked out. There was instant chemistry, we got along great from the start and we never had that awkward “getting to know you” phase since we had met multiple times as casual acquaintances before we ever went out on a date.
Anyway, about a month in we started to get sexual one night (for the first time) and she pulled back and stopped it to say that she wasn’t ready. A few days later she tells me that as much as she wants to be, she’s just not ready to date again yet. Turns out that unbeknownst to me, her previous relationship ended practically right before our first date. I knew it had been fairly recent, but not that close on the timeline. No hard feelings, I understand where she’s coming from having been in that same situation not long ago. In my experience, when a girl says to me that she’s not ready to date, she’s really saying that she’s not ready to date ME. Hoping I’m wrong about this one.
So I’ve just put some distance between us and am giving her space, and continuing to do my own thing. It’s just one of those situations that I’d like another crack at under different circumstances, but I’m not sure how to recover from being the rebound guy, or if it’s even possible. How do I tread carefully on this one?
Hey Matt,
It really sucks that you ended up being the rebound guy; I’ve been there myself and know first hand all of the confused feelings and excess of neurochemicals swimming around.
You’re definitely right to do your own thing; just put all your attention into making your life so great and fulfilled, that any woman won’t help but want to be a part of it. As far as how to tread, I would just cut contact for the most part and strive to make positive changes in your own life/appearance and personal growth. If you’re friends on social media, you can have friends photograph you having fun, maybe with girls in the background, and post them; this gives you social proofing and will give her pangs of jealousy if she has feelings for you.
Feel free to drop me a line at mail@theauthenticguy.com for more detailed advice.
Mark
I have this girl at work who doesn’t communicate first but initiates convo in person. She approached me initially and said how much she like my style. So from then I’ve been chasing her. She makes constant eye contact with a smile along with the come hither eyes. However she seems to using scarcity against me. She replies to my text whenever I text but should I employ scarcity to re-establish attraction on her part?
Hi Shaine,
I would try getting on with your life and dating other girls openly; this will keep your options open and if she’s really into you, then it might stop the games from her and force her to be more interested.
Admittedly, last year I became friends with a married guy at work. He was always just platonic in talk & behavior so I didn’t mind maintaining the friendship.
Six months ago he asked me out in the evenings for dinner or movie. Mentioned things not good at home and he thinks it wont ever change. No mention of separation or divorce plans.
I wanted to be supportive of a friend however as we got closer things became physical like hugging, holding hands, kissing but never more than that has happened.
I feel a great deal of affection and I care about him very much. Then he stopped asking me out outside work with no explanation other than to say how busy or tired he was. I felt really bad too when he mentioned being friends with other women in the office. He had “hung out” with one of them and made a point of mentioning it to me – out of the blue. I didn’t react but inside I was jealous.
The thing is that he’s all super attentive at work and with texting, lunches, coffee breaks, etc but is too busy to see me any other time.
Should I break off this friendship since I am feeling so jealous? I am not sure if he is just using me to get into bed later on, or is just wanting a strictly platonic friendship.
I have used scarcity a lot and he always reaches out, but wont take it further beyond office communications. A true friend to me just doesn’t hang out with you at work.
Not sure what to do to clear up his mixed signals.
Hi Sheila,
I think this whole scenario will only set you up to get hurt later on down the line. If he’s unhappy and won’t leave his wife, or he wants an affair (or several affairs) then he clearly doesn’t have the courage to end one relationship before starting another.
With the information you’ve given, I would stay clear. Do be aware that lack of attention from you will make him want what he can’t have, but this is just human nature and try not to be drawn into it.
Met this girl in October at a Halloween event. She was all over me, could not get her off me lol. She did everything she could to get my attention! Hook up but no sex. Get her number and we start texting pretty much every day since then and I now see that’s where maybe the attraction fell ? We live far so only seen each other 2 times since October. 1st date I stayed at her house and hooked up again but no sex. Me and her continued to talk all the time, each message was like a essay and sometimes we would wait 2 days or 1 to reply. One weekend I pushed it to 3 days and she responded 2 times and didnt reply for 5 days. I tripped and reached out with a “I miss you text” are we still hanging out this weekend. She responded and we link up that Friday! She talk about me alot cause all her friends know me and we got cabins in big bear together for our birthdays. She has been giving me relationships signs so I got a little soft. That week she didnt txt me back it kinda changed things cause even tho we still hung out last Friday something was a little different. She brings up “relationships” and says she dosent want to jump into another realationship yet because it hasent even been a year since her breakup. I disnt freak out, I just stated, I like what we have and dont thing anything should change, I want to keep seeing you and if later we feel we want to take it to the next level then we can. She said ok. Next day she post eating out with a guy on ig story, so I asked who that was and she could tell I was jealous lol it turned out it was just her step brother but come on she knows I have never met her step brother yet. She asked are you seriously tripping right now ?? I responded 2 days later saying, I wasent trying to make it a big deal, sorry if it came off like that. She responded but I haven’t txted back it’s been 3 days. All she said was it seemed like a big deal to you. I dont want to just fall off the map so do I respond or just wait till she reaches out? This is the first week where we haven’t talked every day so I’m sure she isn’t missing me yet but I know she wants to know what I’m doing. She only watches my story if I watch hers it’s funny lol but yea I wanna get this girl all over me again cause a week ago she was! Wtf lol help.
Thanks for the comment and sorry for the late reply.
It’s really hard to pinpoint what’s actually going on in situations like this, but I think the length of your no contact periods may be a little long, so she feels like you’re playing games and responds in a similar way, so she doesn’t feel like you have the upper hand.
If you email me in person I can help coach you on a day to day basis to try and get over the hump, so to speak. It sounds like you need to build in a little trust by replying within a few hours, not leaving several days.
So I’m a woman and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 months now. We are both in our mid 30’s and have kids. We also live in different cities, about 40 minutes away from each other so we only really see each other on weekends. I sense he has been doing the “being scarce” thing for a while and over the last couple of weeks when we see each other we have been super lovey dovey and told each other we loved each other, but then during the week he acts weird and cold. He has also told me that he’s “scared to be vulnerable”. Last night we were talking on the phone and I said I missed him and he didn’t say it back. Anyway I really feel like I’m getting bored with his behavior and am starting to feel like I need more from a man and maybe he’s not the one for me. I guess my question is how do I know if he’s playing the game of being scarce to get me more attracted or if he seriously just isn’t that into me?
Hi Tori,
Long distance relationships are HARD and everyone handles this differently; some are needy with the void when you’ve been together, then part again. Otheres, however, handle things differently and go cold to try to handle the situation and be strong. I wouldn’t say it affects them less, or that they are less into someone, they just handle it differently.
The main problem I see here is one of expectation – you EXPECT him to act like you do and he EXPECTS you to act like he does. Without some really open and detailed communication, you can never expect someone to know how you feel, as you’ve never let them know what things are important or necessary for you in a relationship. Once you communicate these things and each set boundaries and expectations for the relationship, then it will hopefully be easier. Just one final note though: Your partner may be wired differently to you and may never act in the ways you want them to. It’s up to you to make a decision about continuing a relationship with this person – figuring out what needs you need to be met and being realistic with if he can meet them.
Good luck
Mark
Hi,
So me and my friend met these 2 girls, and then went on a double date. I feel like it went really, and me and my girl got on. She was laughing constantly, and she was quite flirty etc. I feel like she’s my type, and I like her personality but I haven’t heard from her. It’s been a few days, and I don’t want to come across too keen as I feel like it will scare this girl off. Am I best leaving it and seeing if she comes to me? I don’t want her to think I’m waiting on her and stuff. Thanks.
Hey Liam,
All of this waiting days to reply is total bull – she’s likely thinking the same thing.
If you’ve already sent a message and she hasn’t responded, then that’s different, but if you literally haven’t sent her a message yet since the date, then send her one now! There’s a difference between sending 100 messages per hour and replying within 5 minutes of every message she sends you and just normal communication!
It’s actually likely that waiting days has hurt your chances – if she’s into you, then she’ll have gone through a range of emotions in those few days – expectation/excitement, to disappointment, to possibly anger, then maybe writing you off and moving on. If you’re into her, then message the next morning and tell her what a great time you had, without trying to immediately schedule something else. You can then build on the rapport you had on the date with back and forth texting – sometimes you might text straight back, sometimes you may be busy and it’ll be an hour or 3 before you message. Get on with your life and days and message her around this – don’t drop everything and make her top priority early on, or she’ll see you as low value.
Hope this makes sense – if you need any more guidance, just drop me an email
Mark
I’ve been on four dates with this girl. The first two times were great, but nothing happened. Just hung out and got to know each other. We met up for drinks on our third date, then she came back to my place. We started to get a little physical, but she stated that she didn’t want to have sex that night. She texted me the next morning that she was listening to the music we were jamming to the night before. Next week, we had a wine picnic by the lake, and we went back to her place. Again, we started to get physical but she insisted that was wasn’t ready to have sex. I felt like she wanted to take things slow, so I ensured her I wasn’t going anywhere. I happen to like her, and wanted to calm down any fears that I was just in it for the hook up. Fast forward to the next day, I sent her a text about something funny that happened the day before. She responded. I then asked what the wine she brought to the picnic was, and I didn’t get a response for 3 days. I texted her back hours later that night. It’s now been three days, and I’ve heard nothing from her. We really don’t text that much, really only to make plans and such, and it’s been 50/50 on who initiates the plans. I’ve been burnt on the past by texting someone too much, and don’t want to ruin the attraction. I’m now worried that I may have done something on the last date that might have ruined her attraction, but I don’t know how. Am I overreacting or should I continue to give her space until she reaches out? For context, this has all taken place over a month and a half. I don’t want to ruin this by not reaching out and showing her I’m not interested. I’m going to be out of town this weekend, so I don’t see a point in making meaningless conversation or scheduling a date so far in advance. I would want to text her on Sunday when I get back trying to schedule the next meet up. I really would like to see where things could go with this girl.
Hey Dave,
It’s tough when someone you really like ghosts you and the tendency is to want to keep messaging to get answers. This would be the wrong thing to do though. You’ve already sent a couple messages without a response so I’d leave it now a few days at least. Bear in mind that there could be other circumstances as a reason why she didn’t text back yet; she may be ill or have other things that have needed her full attention.
Give it a few days and if she likes you, she’ll miss you and start communicating again.
Regards
Mark