I’m sure you’ve been exasperated by a woman at some point in your life. Maybe you’ve become resigned to the fact that you don’t understand women. Nowhere is this more obvious, than when you try to turn a first date prospect into your girlfriend. Here I’ll show you how to Build Attraction using Scarcity and make the seemingly impossible possible.
If you’re like most guys, you don’t feel like you have what it takes. That is to turn an attraction into a date or relationship. If it’s a girl you really like, then it’s pretty hard to do, especially if you follow your intuition. Even if you do have what it takes to start with, it may fail within weeks or months. The woman may lose interest in you and finish it. But there is another way – YOU CAN build attraction using scarcity.
This is what happens:
You meet a girl when you are out, or even online. There’s a mutual attraction and you start talking. You’re really keen on her and you just can’t get her out of your mind. It all starts off well enough, but after a period of time, the spark between you seems to die. Before you know it, she’s not as enthusiastic as she once was. Maybe she’s gone a little quiet, or maybe she’s not returning your texts at all.
So what do you do when this happens?
You text her more, of course. All of your days are spent thinking of clever things to say. You send her funny Memes off the internet and try to ask intelligent questions. Before you know it, you’ve sent her 3 or 4 texts in a row, with no reply.
She’s a polite girl, so she may reply, but her tone isn’t the same. You don’t let this stop you though; a reply is a reply, after all… So you become MORE attentive. Slowly but surely, even these ‘pity’ replies dry up. You are now left completely unable to understand what happened.
You may even get angry when this happens, and send a message with a shitty tone. Your reasoning is that you have already ‘lost her, so you may as well tell her what you think. You are now coming across as super needy. It hammers the final nail into the coffin of what might have been with you and her.
Maybe you managed to just walk away and forget about her. You didn’t get shitty or send too many messages. You no doubt found, if this was the case, that she started messaging you back again. If you got keen again, it died off. AGAIN. Sometimes, this cycle will repeat, over and over again, until you are well and truly sick of chasing her. Your heart now feels like it is doing a cold cycle in the washing machine.
So what are you doing wrong?
You were too available. There was no mystery and you didn’t build attraction using scarcity. You’ll need to read my blog post about Texting and being too available here: Texting: The unwritten rules of how not to dig yourself into a dating hole.
What do you do next?
You showed her you were interested, maybe complimented her a lot, but you still didn’t win her heart. You’re probably sick and tired of being a nice guy and never ending up with the girl. Maybe you moan to your friends about how girls always go for guys that treat them badly. Why is this, when there are guys like you out there? If you ask a lot of guys, they will likely agree with you.
How you behaved was by using logic. She was interested in you, so you showed her, in no uncertain terms, that you were interested in her. This is the opposite of what you should be doing when it comes to dating. You need to go against logic. Behave in a counter-intuitive way and build attraction using scarcity.
Throwing logic out of the window – Introducing the principle of scarcity:
Why did she become keen again when you gave up on her and walked away? Was she just messing with your head, emotionally unstable, or a ‘Bag of crazy‘? No, I don’t think she was any of those. I can say with conviction, that she was 100% normal, without even knowing the girl. How can I say this with such conviction? Allow me to introduce the principle of SCARCITY.
The Scarcity Principle:
The Scarcity Principle was coined by Robert Cialdini, one of the foremost experts on influence (Cialdini 2009). He found that people value and desire something more when it is rare or difficult to obtain. Across numerous experiments, Cialdini and others have found that making something rare or scarce (“Closing Down, Last Day”), or even unique, (“Last One”), increases its perceived attractiveness and value. It works on the principle of Reactance. None of us likes to be told we can’t do something or be denied what we want. When we’re denied something, we “React” by trying harder to get what has been denied us. This is reverse psychology, but it has been the subject of a lot of research. The research shows that, when it comes to dating at least, Scarcity is VERY POWERFUL.
The reason “All the girls get prettier at closing time“ (Johnco, Wheeler and Taylor, 2010) is not due to the higher concentration of alcohol in the bloodstream of those searching for a partner for the night at closing time, but due to the fact that, as the bars near closing, the time left to find a partner for the night diminishes and the people who are left to choose from are reduced too. The leftover people will then APPEAR much more attractive than they are, as a result of scarcity.
So what does this mean in terms of dating?
Don’t make yourself 100% available. Replying to her text messages immediately every time she sends one, is actually sending her the wrong message. This makes her attraction towards you diminish, turning her off in the process.
Allow me to explain what’s happening:
The way she’s behaving is human nature, and, I’m willing to bet that you have behaved in the same way at some point in your life. Can you think back to a time when a girl was really interested? Maybe she was your type, but there was something about her that you didn’t feel was valuable or attractive enough, to take things further.
I’m willing to hazard a guess that it was her behaviour which put you off. You see, being really, really keen on someone right from the outset, puts them in a position where they feel very important. When they feel like you are making them too important (especially as you’ve only just met), then this lowers your value in their eyes.
She will start to wonder what she has done to earn all this adulation. You haven’t got to know her properly yet. You sending overblown compliments, buying gifts and being too invested in her, will act as a red flag. It will also act as a wet flag, damping down the flames of their attraction towards you. This will be like smothering a fire with a blanket.
So what happens when you pull away from a girl who seems uninterested?
When you make the decision to pull away from her and get on with your own life, this sends her a powerful signal. What this says about you, is that you value your time highly. It tells her you don’t want to have your time wasted. It tells her that you have things to do. It communicates that you have a high value. Unbeknown to you, you have just sent a powerful message of confidence to her. This then makes her wonder where you’ve gone and attraction begins to rebuild in her.
If you don’t have a purpose in life, except for getting a girlfriend, and you’re always too available, then she will sense that you are a weak, low-value individual. This will make you unattractive to her and will make her look elsewhere for a stronger, more alpha male. It’s a subconscious thing – she knows an alpha male would produce stronger offspring.
Case in point:
My girlfriend and I were sitting talking to her friend a few months ago. She had been messaging with a guy at a work client’s office. I’ve changed his name, but let’s call him Rob. She said he was “Her type”, but there was something that just didn’t feel right. Rob was attractive, outwardly confident and interesting, but he was VERY KEEN. He was her type.
She found the keenness off-putting, so she would ignore his messages and not reply straight away. When she did reply, he would reply again within 2 minutes. She would even wait a day or two to reply, but he’d still reply immediately. Every. Time. At this point in our conversation, she was completely discounting him as a romantic interest. She actually appeared a little creeped out, just sitting talking about him.
The next time I saw her was 2 weeks later. I enquired how it was going; what do you think she said? “Rob has stopped returning my texts now. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly really interested in him”. I had already done some research into scarcity at this point, so when she said this, I was amused. Her words showed that the scarcity principle works in practice. It showed what a powerful effect scarcity has upon how attractive we perceive someone. (Side note: She ended up getting together with Rob, after he learned to build attraction using scarcity).
So how does Scarcity work in practice with dating?
Re-programming your mind into using reverse psychology or counter-intuition will take a while. But it is necessary that you do this. If you change from being too available to be more scarce, it will produce results. This is backed up by science and real-life experiments. Often it produces completely amazing results in re-attracting a girl, in a very small timeframe.
If you find that you’ve consistently been devalued by girls in relationships, you will need to make yourself harder to obtain. Make yourself scarce at times! Too busy to reply? Then don’t reply for a while. Don’t always be the one to get in contact first and don’t always message back immediately. If you’re constantly waiting by the phone for her message, stop – don’t hand her all the power. Before you message back, wait 20 minutes, 1 hour, or a couple of hours. Build attraction using scarcity.
“But I don’t want to play games!”
You may say: “But I don’t want to be a game player”, but let me tell you this:
Women want to FEEL attracted to someone. They subconsciously want to be kept guessing. They don’t want to be 100% certain that they have won your heart, at least not in the beginning. Their attraction towards you will diminish if they are certain. This is a fact proven by psychologists. You will make her feel deeply attracted to you, if you build attraction using scarcity. You won’t have to do a load of work to get her attracted, which is the best part.
Tips to build attraction using scarcity:
You’ll need to carry out this in a subtle way. Don’t fall off the face of the earth for whole days at a time. This isn’t respectful and isn’t treating a girl well. You should return a message or call within a 6-hour window. Anything more than this is completely unnecessary. Don’t willfully play with her emotions, or be cruel with your new-found information. Just allow yourself to become aware of how your behaviour impacts on her attraction towards you.
Don’t send boring or pointless texts:
You’ll need to follow the advice in our texting guide as well. Pay special attention to the part where it says “Only actually text when you have something interesting to say”. If you try to use texts to make pointless small talk, she’ll think you are bored . In her mind, bored = boring/unimportant.
Are you always thinking of something cool to text her? If you build attraction using scarcity, you’ll need a lot less material! You’ll get a lot of precious time back in your days too – winner!
Concentrate on your purpose, not her:
Do you want to know the easiest way to not be waiting by the phone? It is to get out there and find a purpose.Read our blog post about finding your purpose here. Immerse yourself into a project and feel fulfilled. You won’t be waiting by the phone for her to message, as you’ll be busy and time will fly by. She will also have time to miss you and wonder what you’re up to, which will spike attraction. Build attraction using scarcity – It’s a win-win.