How To Stop Losing Yourself In Relationships

Losing yourself in a relationship is a very common problem and one which we all need to be very vigilant about. Here’s what generally happens in this scenario:

You are going through your life and you know exactly who you are and where you’re going. You have a job/career, aspirations for the future, hobbies and a social circle, even if it is a small one.  Then you meet a girl who takes your breath away.

When you’re together everything seems so amazing; you feel a massive rush of Serotonin, Oxytocin and Dopamine.  These are the hormones that your brain secretes when you cuddle someone, feel that ‘In Love’ feeling, or have sex.  They make you associate that person with the feelings and crave more of them.

You begin to get a bit addicted and find yourself re-arranging social plans, ignoring your hobbies, or taking a sick day to spend it in bed with your new infatuation.  We’ve all done this, but it is 100% the WRONG way to go about things.  Let’s explore why:

The problems created here are twofold:   Firstly, by cancelling plans and not doing things you normally do, you are giving parts of yourself up to be with this person, because you have an intense rush of hormones.  If you continue down the road like this, you will get to a point where you have lost your sense of purpose, maybe lost some friends and missed goals you have set yourself.

This will make you unhappy and may even make you resent your partner for your loss of self and loss of purpose.  At this point, the relationship may end and, as you gave up large parts of yourself and made the relationship your everything, you will have no ‘Safety net’ to catch you and will sink into a period of deep depression and unhappiness.  You will have no life left outside of this girl and this will also make you pine for her and want to get back with her for the wrong reasons.

Secondly, by making a person realise they are your everything, you give away your power to this person. This often makes it easier for them to disrespect you and control you, leading to you feeling stuck in an unhappy relationship with no way out and nowhere to turn.  This person will feel that you are less powerful without a sense of purpose and will lose respect for you when all the things you were excited about and talked about when you met them never actually materialise.

Everyone needs a purpose in life. To make a woman your life’s purpose is a very wrong thing to do.  You need to find your own unique purpose in life, then when a woman comes along you need to fit her into your life around your purpose.

A person with a clear sense of purpose and a ‘Take me as you find me, or not at all’ mentality is very attractive. We all make some changes and compromises in relationships, as we come to respect and Love our partner, but to do this immediately, before you even know a person, smacks of desperation and an ‘I need someone, ANYONE’ mentality.  We all owe it to ourselves to have a lifelong purpose and to be selective in searching for a partner that complements us as a person.  A person who’s values and beliefs align with our own.

On top of having a well defined purpose, there are things we can all do to make ourselves more physically attractive, healthier and more of an alpha male. What we are going to work towards, is turning ourselves into the kind of man any woman would want to start a family with, or see as ‘Perfect boyfriend material’.

So now you know you need to have a clear defined purpose in life and, to not have one means you are more likely to lose yourself in future. There are many things you can do to find and create a purpose, if you are currently a little bit lost and have no working internal radar.  In my next blog post, I will be telling you some of the life hacks you can carry out, in order to create a purpose and have a more clear focus.