Maybe something went wrong in your relationship and you want to win her back. We have all been in this situation at some point in our lives; the relationship ends for one reason or another and we make a decision, either immediately (if she was the one to finish things), or after a few days or weeks, that we want to get back together.
Quite often there are things said when relationships finish that make us think there is no way back, but no matter how the relationship ended, there is usually a way back if you are prepared to work on yourself, have patience and know the correct things to do and say, at the right time.
Whilst no one can guarantee that you will win her back, the information contained herein will provide you with the first steps in getting back together – reigniting her attraction in you.
This information is backed up by extensive research and science/psychology; often the ways in which you will need to behave are counter intuitive, i.e. you will need to use reverse psychology.
You will need to believe in yourself and see this as a process, a journey, that may take a while. You will need to be patient and trust the path you are following – it has worked for many others and can work for you too.
Relationships need to be seen as a journey. Most people get into a relationship and, after a while, things become stagnant, or emotions aren’t running as high as they once were. All this means, is that the ‘Honeymoon phase’ of the relationship is over; this does not mean you do not love your partner any more. Many people cannot make this distinction and this is what makes affairs and breakups so prevalent.
You need to realise that it is even more important for each of you to grow as individuals and as a couple when in a relationship, than when you are single. You both need to put work into the relationship constantly, in order to have improved communication, less conflict and a deeper emotional connection.
I decided to share some information in this blog post on how to powerfully re-ignite her attraction towards you again from my eBook: How To Win Her Back For Good. In the book, we take you through the whole process of getting her back and building a new relationship that will last.
The First Step To Winning Her Back – The No Contact Period
When a relationship ends, we often don’t really know the real reason and we are looking for answers. We look to get our ex partner to give us these answers and we want to know with a great degree of urgency, so we have a tendency to bug them day and night with messages and calls. This is mistake number 1.
What we also have a tendency to do, is assume that if this girl cares about us, they will see that we are upset and broken by the relationship ending and take pity on us. Surely this will force them to take us back with open arms?? This is mistake number 2.
Both of these mistakes mean one thing to your ex: You are Desperate. Desperation is very unattractive and you will need to consciously stop this behaviour at all costs from now on (the eBook covers techniques to keep your emotions in check and put a stop to needy behaviour in detail).
On top of the first two mistakes, emotions between you both at the time of breakup will have been running high and, in most cases, either or both of you will have said things that you didn’t really mean, causing hurt to the other party.
This is perfectly normal and time is generally a great healer, but you will need to give her a lot of space initially for her to begin to forgive you and miss you.
Think about a time in your life when someone was really bugging you – it doesn’t have to be a partner, it could be a friend, a colleague, or even someone trying to get a cheap deal on a car you were selling.
The texts or phone calls were coming in from this person thick and fast. Maybe they were trying to explain themselves for being rude, or doing something wrong, but after a while, the initial “Offence” pales into insignificance, when compared to how much they are bugging the shit out of you at this particular moment.
In the end, all you want to do is tell them to F*** Off, or block them. This is exactly how your ex girlfriend feels when you are trying to keep in touch, get answers and argue things out with long winded text messages, especially as you probably won’t be making a lot of sense right now.
Things get even worse if you keep trying to call her and she won’t answer; maybe you leave her voicemails and beg her to call you back. Neediness is not attractive, and all you will do with this behaviour is lower your attraction in her eyes and push her further and further away.
But surely, you are thinking: “If I don’t keep in contact with her, she will just forget about me”, or “If I don’t speak to her every day, she will find someone else”.
Let me tell you a few facts: As much as you love her and are missing her, she will be missing you too (if you give her the chance and space).
Her feelings for you will be just as strong in most cases as your feelings for her and she will be truly gutted that the relationship has ended and will be looking for answers in her own mind (even if she was the one who ended it).
She will be second guessing her decision to walk away from someone whom she had such strong feelings for.
Even if she does start seeing someone else, it will be a distraction technique; she is looking to take her mind off the feelings of hurt she is carrying, by having closeness to someone else. This kind of ‘Rebound’ relationship rarely lasts though, especially as this is usually a fast track into missing your ex (You).
Allow me to explain.
Whilst you are with a rebound fling; having a fun time, getting physical closeness and maybe even having sex, your raw emotions of hurt are being soothed.
When you are apart from your rebound, however, you will be struggling with an emotional roller coaster, especially if you have been intimate with your rebound.
In most cases, even when you’re with a rebound fling, you will be comparing everything about them to your ex and, as you are still in Love with your ex, it will be the ex (not the rebound) who you are thinking about and missing.
You may well even be in the middle of having sex with a rebound fling and be thinking “I much preferred the way [my ex] did this” or “This felt so much better with [ex’s name]”.
Some of this may be less down to the mechanics and more to do with the feelings and emotions involved. So many guys keep looking for a girl with a perfect face/smile/body and totally miss the point, that it’s the connection you build with a girl that makes a relationship truly great.
As you and your ex are both so raw and hurt, no communication that takes place between you at this point will be constructive and it will be easy for either or both of you to get upset with the other party, often for no apparent reason.
What you both need right now is time and space to gather your thoughts and work out your true feelings.
So what is the no contact period and how do I carry it out?
The no contact period is basically a period of time when you are not allowed to be in contact with your ex at all, through any means.
This means as well as no calling or texting, you don’t want to get drawn into contact through social media either. This will be very hard for you to do, but it is very important and will be a very powerful initial step to getting your ex back.
It is very advisable to go on a social media hiatus whilst in no contact. Disable your Facebook/Instagram/Twitter account temporarily, delete all your social apps and her contact details from your phone.
Do this while you are feeling strong, especially if you know you are the type of person who will be weak later and get in touch with her.
So how long do I implement no contact for?
In general, the best length of time to implement the no contact period is 30 days. This is enough time to let all of the emotion/upset and anger die down and make her start to miss you again.
It will also be enough time to make some noticeable changes by consistently working on self-improvement (covered in detail in the eBook), as the NC is totally pointless if you get in contact at the end of it all and she feels you haven’t changed.
A lot of girls will try to contact you after a period of time. This is when the big test of your resolve will come, as your brain will be telling you “She wants to talk to me, so here’s my chance” and you may be afraid that, if you don’t talk to her, you will miss your chance to get back with her.
This is not the case. Why do you think she’s contacting you after you have started ignoring her? Allow me to introduce the principle of SCARCITY.
The Scarcity Principle
The Scarcity Principle was named by Robert Cialdini, one of the foremost experts on influence. (Cialdini 2009) He found that people value and desire something more when it is rare or difficult to obtain.
Across numerous experiments, Cialdini and others have found that making something rare or scarce (“One day sale”, “Only 5 left” etc.) or even unique, increases its perceived attractiveness and value. It works on the principle of Reactance.
None of us like to be told we can’t do something, or be denied what we want, so we “React” by trying harder to get what we want that has been denied us. This is reverse psychology, but it has been the subject of a lot of research and IT WORKS!!
The reason “All the girls get prettier at closing time” (Johnco, Wheeler and Taylor, 2010) is not due to the higher concentration of alcohol in the bloodstream of those searching for a partner for the night at closing time, but due to the fact that, as the bars near closing, the time left to find a partner for the night diminishes and the people who are left to choose from are reduced too.
The left over people will then look much more attractive, as a result of scarcity.
What all this means is: forget constantly chasing someone you are attracted to EVER AGAIN and not just for the sake of the no contact period and winning your ex back.
It will take a while to re-program your mind into using reverse psychology, but in all the science led experiments (and our own real life experiments) the change from being constantly and nauseatingly available, to being a little (or a lot) more scarce, has produced often completely amazing results in a usually small timeframe.
If you find that you’ve consistently been devalued by women in relationships, you will need to do some more research into scarcity and make yourself a bit harder to obtain.
Don’t give in so easily; make yourself a bit more scarce! This will make you appear more valuable in her eyes; she wants to feel like she has to work hard to win the affection of a guy – why do you think women find ‘bad boys’ so attractive and hard to resist?!
Don’t always be the one to get in contact first and don’t sit by your phone waiting for her to message, then always message back immediately. Don’t be her little bitch; constantly waiting for her command.
“But I don’t want to play games!”
You may say “But I don’t want to be a game player” but let me tell you that women want to be attracted to someone, they subconsciously want to be kept guessing and don’t want to be 100% certain that they have won your heart, at least not until the relationship is a LONG way down the line, or their attraction for you will diminish.
This is a scientific fact and is just a part of the dance of intimacy we must learn, if we want long and fulfilling relationships.
Everything needs to be carried out in moderation of course; in normal daily interactions in your relationships, don’t be someone that falls off the face of the earth for whole days at a time, because this isn’t respectful and isn’t treating someone well.
There is generally an unwritten 6 hour contact rule; this means you should return a message, or call within a 6 hour window. Anything more than this is completely unnecessary.
No contact period problems
Women are generally in a state of shock when you tell them you need space with no contact. They are not used to this behaviour when they break up with a guy, so it will come as a big surprise and will immediately set you apart from all the other guys she’s dated.
If your ex can’t handle being completely out of touch with you and goes from zero to needy in 24 hours, or is clearly becoming more and more upset with you as the days of no contact go by, then there are things you can do to reduce her upset, whilst also sticking with your resolve.
This is for the girls that go absolutely crazy when you’re ignoring them. If she’s going out of her mind and texting/hungering for you to contact her and is making this clear on a daily, or hourly basis, you have a couple of options:
Send her an email (Keeps things fairly formal) letting her know that you need some time and space without contact to clear your mind and to think about things/process your feelings.
This shows her that you have not completely fallen off the planet and have enough respect to respond to her neediness and be polite, but that you are not going to be a pushover.
It also signifies that, once you have had time to process things, that she will hear from you again in the future. A very powerful way to spike attraction here is to say something like: “I don’t want to never see or speak to you again and I’m hoping that we can eventually be friends, but it’s just not appropriate to be in touch at the moment”.
What this does is it shows her that there is a possibility that you will be in her life in the future, so sets a point in the future where you will be talking again. What it also does, is to put her in the friendzone for the time being.
This will be a powerful attraction spike, especially if she was the one to end it, as what you are doing is the polar opposite of needy behaviour and shows her that you are also mature and in control of your emotions. This, more than anything else, will make her second guess her decision, as you are now SCARCE.
If you have done option 1 above and it hasn’t kept her completely at bay, or she is getting angrier with you as time goes on, then you can shorten the no contact period to 21 days, but you should be very wary of doing any less than this, as you honestly both need the time to process your feelings and emotions.
When to extend the no contact period
Not every woman will be outwardly upset or angry that you aren’t messaging them. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t upset or angry, it just means they do a better job of hiding it.
In general, the girls/women with low self esteem (LSE) will be super needy, whereas the girls who have high self esteem (HSE; a better bet for a long term partner) will have enough other things going on in their lives, that they may seem like they don’t want or need you.
The 30 day NCP is perfect for the HSE woman, who may contact you once or twice in the NC period, but then get the hint and back off. 30 days is also perfect for the woman who doesn’t contact you at all.
The only time you should consider extending the NCP, is if there was a lot of hurt or bitterness involved – a really terrible argument, cheating, or abuse of trust.
In these cases, the more time that elapses, the more the hurt and emotional trauma will die down and you will both be ready to move forward again.
Of course, some people are the type that they will exercise a lack of forgiveness and pretty much carry it with them to their grave. With this type of person, you are going to have a very hard time finding common ground and moving forward, but if it is important to you, then you have to pull out all the stops and try hard.
If you know you are dealing with a person like this, then consider extending to 45 or 60 days.
When complete No Contact isn’t possible
If, through current circumstances, you are still currently living with your ex, or have children or animals together, then complete no contact is not going to be possible.
In these circumstances, you will need to set very specific ground rules at the start of no contact, e.g. It is OK to discuss something to do with a child, but you are not willing to talk about the relationship or where you both stand right now; it will have to wait for a time in the future.
If you are still living together, then you need to handle the breakup in a classy manner and be very respectful – refuse to be drawn into arguing/fighting and name calling and hold your head up high.
Be nice, be kind and be respectful. Do not show her you are upset and continue to follow the program and improve yourself day after day.
There is no doubt if you do this, that she will second guess her decision and think that she has made a mistake. Don’t allow yourself to be drawn into any meaningful conversations at this stage – you need to keep using the scarcity principle, whilst showing her your strength of character and letting her take glimpses from the sidelines of you bettering yourself.
If you are still in the same house because you own it together and are still paying half of the mortgage, then it may be very difficult to get away at the moment, so if it is important to you to get back together, then you need to follow the program carefully and try to patch things up before the house gets put on the market and subsequently sold.
Once this is done, it is much more unlikely that you will get back together, as you will have both drawn a mental line under the relationship.
What you ideally need to do if you are in this situation, is to find a friend, or a few friends that will put you up at least for a week in the beginning of the breakup and then for a few nights each week thereafter.
This will afford both of you some much needed space. You do not have to tell her where you are going, but it would be respectful to tell her what you are doing and that you feel that space is needed.
Problems with your no contact resolve
It is highly likely that, during the no contact period, you will have times when you will feel upset, needy and will want, more than anything, to see and speak to your ex.
All these feelings swimming around in your head and trying to get out are completely natural things to be feeling right now, but when it comes down to it, they are just hormones.
You need to try to get control over your feelings and hormones and act like an adult. You are focusing on the end game of reconciling things with your ex for good, so to come across all emotional and needy will put this positive end result in jeopardy.
Whether you are experiencing problems with your resolve or not, I highly recommend you read chapter 2 of How To Win Her Back For Good and build yourself a safety net, or airbag; even if you feel OK now, things can always come crashing down, often when you least expect it.
Chapter 2 of the eBook will help you to explore methods that will add a general feeling of well being, no matter what external situation you are in on a daily basis, once practiced for a while and will make it easier to see beyond the strong emotions you are feeling and give you the wisdom to act in a rational manner.
Ending the no contact period
Obviously, there comes a time when the no contact period has to end, if you are serious about getting your ex back. This is covered in full detail in the eBook.
Obviously there is a lot more things you will have to do, timed strategically, in order to win her back and keep her interested, but the no contact period is the essential place to start, in order to rebuild attraction. Without attraction, you have nothing.
Getting back in touch after no contact shouldn’t be done with a casual text message; there are other methods that are much more effective. Before you even consider this though, the eBook will show you how to make her miss you even more, through clever use of social media, as well as ways of re-establishing contact that will make her think she’s in a fairytale.
If you want a step by step, foolproof guide to getting your ex back, that is backed by a no questions asked, money back guarantee, then you’ll be needing our eBook: How To Win Her Back For Good.
We tell you exactly what to do and say at exactly what point, both from our experiences, from the words of women, and from scientifically backed information from psychologists.
Having this book to hand is completely invaluable in winning her back, as, not only does it give you a wealth of, often counter-intuitive information that is proven to work, but it also acts as a reference that you can constantly go back to at each point along your journey.
Going through any breakup is tough mentally and emotionally, so there’s a huge wealth of information in the book on how to handle your emotions and keep you in check too, as well as reinventing yourself, which acts as a powerful psychological trigger in her mind, especially if you weren’t behaving too well, or had become lazy before the breakup.
As an added bonus in the eBook, we give you the tools and show you the ways in which you can build a strong relationship that will last too. If everybody put as much effort into keeping a relationship alive, as they did into getting together in the first place (or getting their ex partner back), then there would be far less failed relationships.
To be in a relationship means you have forged a connection with someone. In order for this to remain and deepen, then there is always work to be done. We show you in detail, what this entails, in order to build a lasting, loving connection with your partner.
The eBook is backed by a 60 day 100% Money Back Guarantee, so buying it is Completely Risk Free too! Click the links to read more.