I’m sure we’ve all been exasperated by women at some point in our lives. Most of us become resigned to the fact, that we don’t understand women and they don’t understand us. Nowhere is this more important, than attracting a woman and turning her from a first date prospect, into a girlfriend, or partner.
An initial attraction is one thing, but most guys just don’t feel like they have what it takes, to turn this initial attraction into a date, or a relationship, especially when it comes to someone that you really like. Even if you do have what it takes, many relationships can fail after a matter of weeks or months, when the woman may lose interest in you and finish it.
It often goes like this:
You meet a girl when you are out, or even online. There’s a mutual attraction and you start talking. You’re really keen on her and, whilst you are trying to ‘play it cool’, you just can’t get her out of your mind. It all starts off well enough, but after a period of time, the spark between you seems to die a death, and before you know it, she’s not as enthusiastic as she was. Maybe she’s gone a little quiet, or maybe she’s not returning your texts at all.
So what do you do when this happens? You text her more, of course. You try and think of clever things to say, you send her funny Memes off the internet and try to ask intelligent questions. Before you know it, you’ve sent her 3 or 4 texts in a row, over a period of an hour, or a few hours, with no reply.
Maybe she does send a reply, as she’s a polite girl and quite liked you, but the tone just isn’t the same as it was. This doesn’t stop you though; a reply is a reply, after all… So you become MORE attentive. Slowly but surely, even these ‘pity’ replies dry up and you can’t, for the life of you, understand what just happened.
Some guys will even get angry when this happens, and send a message with a shitty tone. They reason they have already lost her now, so they may as well tell her what they think of her. This comes across as super needy and hammers the final nail into the coffin of what might have been with you and this particular girl.
If you managed to just walk away, forget about her and not get shitty, or send too many messages, then you probably found that she started messaging you back again, but then died off. AGAIN. Sometimes, this cycle repeats, over and over again, until you are well and truly sick of chasing her and feeling like your heart is doing a cold cycle in the washing machine.
So what are you doing wrong?
Before we start to unpick exactly what went wrong, by explaining how the human mind works, you need to read our blog post about Texting; The unwritten rules of how not to dig yourself into a dating hole. It’s so easy to be misunderstood with texts, as you lose a whopping 93% of the message you are sending, due to a lack of body language cues and the absence of vocal tone. This can lead to misunderstandings and causing offence, with even the simplest of messages. There’s an explanation of all this and a load more helpful information in that post about dating and text messaging too, so go read the post here.
So you showed her you were interested in her, maybe you complimented her a lot and you weren’t a flake, but you still didn’t win her heart. You’re probably sick and tired of being a nice guy and never ending up with the girl. Maybe you moan to your buddies, about how girls always go for guys that treat them badly, when there’s guys like you out there. A lot of guys will likely agree with you.
How you behaved, was by using logic. She was interested in you, so you showed her, in no uncertain terms maybe, that you were interested in her. This is all well and good, but, when it comes to dating at least, it is the opposite of what you should be doing.
Throwing logic out of the window; Introducing the principle of scarcity:
Why do you think she suddenly became more keen, when you gave up on her, walked away and got on with your life? Was she just messing with your head, emotionally unstable, or a ‘Bag of crazy’? No, I don’t think she was any of those. Without even knowing the particular girl in your scenario, I can pretty much say with conviction, that she was 100% normal. How can I say this with such conviction? Allow me to introduce the principle of SCARCITY.
The Scarcity Principle:
The Scarcity Principle was coined by Robert Cialdini, one of the foremost experts on influence. (Cialdini 2009) He found that people value and desire something more when it is rare or difficult to obtain. Across numerous experiments, Cialdini and others have found that making something rare or scarce (“Closing Down, Last Day”), or even unique, (“Last One”), increases its perceived attractiveness and value. It works on the principle of Reactance. None of us like to be told we can’t do something, or be denied what we want, so we “React” by trying harder to get what we want that has been denied us. This is reverse psychology, but it has been the subject of a lot of research and, when it comes to dating at least, it is VERY POWERFUL.
The reason “All the girls get prettier at closing time” (Johnco, Wheeler and Taylor, 2010) is not due to the higher concentration of alcohol in the bloodstream of those searching for a partner for the night at closing time, but due to the fact that, as the bars near closing, the time left to find a partner for the night diminishes and the people who are left to choose from are reduced too. The left over people will then APPEAR much more attractive than they are, as a result of scarcity.
So what does this mean in terms of dating?
When it comes to dating, making yourself 100% available, and replying to her text messages immediately every time she sends one, is actually sending her the wrong message and making her attraction towards you diminish, turning her off in the process.
Allow me to explain what’s happening:
The way she’s behaving is human nature, and, I’m willing to bet that you have behaved in the same way at some point in your life. Can you think back to a time when a girl was interested in you, like really interested? It wasn’t that she was not your type, but there was something about her that you didn’t feel was valuable or attractive enough, to take things further.
Well, I’m willing to hazard a guess, that it was her behaviour which put you off. You see, being really, really keen on someone right from the outset, puts them in a position where they feel very important. When they start to feel like you are making them too important (especially as you’ve only just met), then this lowers your value in their eyes.
They start to wonder what they have done to earn all this adulation. You haven’t got to know them properly, so giving out lots of compliments, buying them gifts, or telling them that you love them too early, will not only act as a red flag, but it will also act as a wet flag, damping down the flames of their attraction towards you, smothering the fire in the process.
So what happens when you pull away from a girl who seems uninterested?
When you make the decision to pull away from her and get on with your own life, this sends her a powerful signal. What this says about you, is that you value your time highly, don’t want to have your time wasted, and that you have things to do. If you don’t have a purpose in life, except for getting a girlfriend, and you’re always too available, then she will sense that you are a weak, low value individual. This will make you unattractive to her, and will make her look elsewhere for a stronger, more alpha male, that she subconsciously feels would produce stronger offspring.
Case in point:
My girlfriend and I were sitting talking to her friend a few months ago. She had been messaging with a guy at a work client’s office. I’ve changed his name, but let’s call him Rob. She said he was “Her type”, but there was something that just didn’t feel right. Rob was an attractive, outwardly confident and interesting guy, but he was VERY KEEN. She found this off putting, so she would ignore his messages and not reply straight away. When she would reply, usually only after he had sent at least a couple of messages and she had waited all day to reply, he would reply again within 2 minutes. Every. Time. At this point in our conversation, she was completely discounting him as a romantic interest. She actually appeared a little creeped out, just sitting talking about him.
The next time I saw her was 2 weeks later. I enquired how it was going, to which she said “Rob has stopped returning my texts now. I don’t know why, but I’m suddenly really interested in him”. Now I had already done some research into the scarcity principle at this point, so when this sentence left her lips, I was quite amused. Not only did her words completely prove that the scarcity principle works, but it showed what a powerful effect this simple bit of human nature has upon how attractive we perceive someone. (Side note: She ended up getting together with Rob).
So how does Scarcity work in practice with dating?
It will take a while to re-program your mind into using reverse psychology, but in all the science led experiments (and real life experiments) the change from being constantly and nauseatingly available, to being a little (or a lot) more scarce, has produced often completely amazing results in re-attracting a girl, or making her feelings of attraction towards you get stronger, in a very small timeframe.
If you find that you’ve consistently been devalued by girls in relationships, you will need to make yourself a bit harder to obtain. Don’t give in so easily; make yourself scarce at times! It’s great to be too busy sometimes. Don’t always be the one to get in contact first and don’t always message back immediately. Don’t be constantly waiting by the phone for her command, and handing her all the power in the process.
“But I don’t want to play games!”
You may say: “But I don’t want to be a game player”, but let me tell you this:
Deep down, women want to be attracted to someone, they subconsciously want to be kept guessing and don’t want to be 100% certain that they have won your heart, at least not until the relationship is a LONG way down the line, or their attraction for you will diminish. This is a fact proven by psychologists.
Everything needs to be carried out in moderation of course. In normal daily interactions in your relationships, don’t be someone that falls off the face of the earth for whole days at a time, because this isn’t respectful and isn’t treating someone well. There is generally an unwritten 6 hour contact rule; this means you should return a message, or call within a 6 hour window. Anything more than this is completely unnecessary. Don’t wilfully play with her emotions, or be cruel with your new-found information. Just allow yourself to become aware of how your behaviour impacts on her attraction towards you.
On top of all this, follow the advice in our texting guide, especially the part where it says “Only actually text when you have something interesting to say”. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to use texts to make pointless small talk; she’ll think you are bored and, in her mind, bored = boring/unimportant.
Of course, the easiest way to not be waiting by the phone, is to get out there and find a purpose – Read our blog post about finding your purpose here. If you are truly busy, immersing yourself into a work project and feeling fulfilled, then you won’t be waiting by the phone for her to message. She will also have time to miss you and wonder what you’re up to, which will spike attraction. It’s a win-win.